Poems For Healing

All my life I have lived other peoples' lies
All my life I have waited to die
Every day sice I was a kid I despised my every living breath
All I ever looked forward to was the time I  could finally be laid to rest
I hated myself and this whole world round
I was born angry at being to this Earth bound
So now that I know that finally in my youth that maybe I might die
Why do I... feel sorrow... great... why do I cry?
Could it be that though this life has been full of great agony and pain
That I wanted to find that personal fulfillment,,, my personal value to gain?
And now I see that I cheated myself by running from my demons
Instead of fighting back consistently through my determined inner reason
I was handed down guilt to me, by society for my unqualified birth
I was a bastard child abandoned on this Earth
I accepted their pronouncements without question or thought
It never entered my mind to why I was called "the damned begot"
God blessed me with life, to learn of Him and grow
No one told me this, but finally this now I know
I was sold a package of lies that I readily accepted
Not thinking others to be wrong and that their lies should be rejected
My mother though she loved me, wanted me not
My father I never knew, mother said his name she forgot
I played in graveyards; I was told that this was my playground
They sent me there to play, so there I would be found
I layed in open graves and memorized grave head stones
There I found a sort of peace all by myself in the graves alone
I knod of liked the grave yard so full yet so empty
I didn't question the reasons, cause at least there no dirty old men touched me,
I played funeral when other kids played with each other and their toys
I hardly knew any normal things to play so mostly others I would avoid
But God how desperately I wanted friends
I did not know how to reach out to make them
Now I know my mama loved me... She really did
But that was over 30 years ago, she just did not know what to do with a bastard kid
I wish now that I could have done a better job of my to salvage from that garbage heap
I wish now that anothers judgement of me that to myself I did not keep
I should have ignored what others said about me
Being truer to myself... to have a better life to see
Instead I always viewed life as the ultimate curse
Well by now, if and when I do finally die, that'll be my best role rehearsed
My own value in myself I should have seen
I wonder if I could have done that... how different my life would have been
I don't blame anyone for my living hell
But before I die they will all here me my story to tell
If I was wronged by others or wronged them far and wide
I do forgive them all, but their and mine secrets, I will no longer hide
And now when finally the time comes when I will lay me down to that final sleep
I ask you, O' My Great Father God, in Heaven
Take me to you... my Soul to ever in Your loving arms to keep.

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