I realized the other day
In our coversation on the phone
That you only know me in small ways
After all that is my fault, I’ve kept mostly on my own
I thought you knew me, I really did
I thought after all these years you understood my silence
But the other day I realized there was nothing left but an end
After all these years on my own
I have after all developed some self reliance
But you never did unerstand the demons with which I must contend
A tortured soul seeking a new inner land
Blown around with little to find in family or friend
You never really knew my heart or my soul
And if you don’t understand by now
Then me you will never really know
But that doesn’t matter now since you never truly knew me anyhow
I will keep forging ahead on my own
I will make mistakes still, this is true
But only I can judge how much I’ve grown
I no longer need or seek approval from you
When you fall… begin anew
When fingers are pointed,
Don’t let it touch the inside of you
When others are falsely accusing
Do not bend to their abusing
Remember your spirit deep inside
Do not let the judgement of others be your guide
We all make mistakes and fall down
Do not let others kick you on the ground
Falling down and getting up again
Is part of the passage of life within,
Do not be ashamed when you fall,
Just get back up again and again stand tall!
Do not let others be your judge,
For who you are is just between you and God above.
VALLEY OF THE SHADOW
I have taken a journey a passage of trnsition
Through the Valley of the Shadow of death to a new destination
A wanderer full of woe
Looking for a place I did not know
I went for a walk through ice and fire
The cold and heat so severe my situations became dire
I knew no other way to find the truth deep inside
To lose false conceptions, a falsehood of pride
I only knew that inside me something was not quite right
That the wrong I found in the world first in myself I must fight
A journey I am on still
To find a new truth that has no hate, no reason to kill
For all the wrong in the world that I did see
When I looked in the mirror I saw too inside of me
I journeyed from a dark, dark land in my soul
For it was a place from which my heart told me I had to go
To reach a destiny in which to shine
I had to let go of all what others told me was fine
But the route I had to take was dark and full of the promise of death
Escaping influences that stole my every breath
Over these many years on a train that took its own time
For I had to be made ready for new meaning that would truly be mine
A passage from a land of hate and bigotry
To find peace, love and forgiveness in myself you see
For how could I help others
When the image I saw in the mirror
Was a sick soul full of the experience of many horrors
I found myself to be my own worst enemy
My mind which oten betrayed me
Fleeing from myself I did find
No where to run to, no where to hide
I met many dark souls on my passage
But it was the darkness in myself that carried the most potent message
Any extreme is not good for myself and others
That true evil begins when we start to condemn our sisters and brothers
When we lose the light of understanding and compassion
Then we have lost our most precious possession
A clouded mind and a dark heart are a warning that danger lies ahead on this path
This road leads to ruin and death
We must free our hearts and minds from fear and condemnation
I am slowly making in myself this new proclamation
One step at a time through the Valley of the Shadow
One step at a time for the ways of death to let go
A dangerous path for this life I certainly did chose
But when I was young somehow I knew
That in the world around me filled with anguish and pain
That just by my very birth on Earth
I had, somehow, added to it nearly drove me insane
I refused to crush the low3est percent
I refused the ways given by others to me
My own way to find, my own face to see
For a destiny of peace to find
First had to begin in my own heart and my own mind
The journey istn't over yet
There is still much in myself that I do regret
For when I look in the mirror in my face still I do see
Traces of a cringing coward looking back at me
No fear can continue if I am to find
That WILL to truly live free with peace of mind
I booked a passage on the night train through the Valley of the Shadow
I did not want to but my heart said I had to now go
Even though on this passage I may yet be killed or die
At least I know I did my best when I chose to no longer live a lie.
MY FINAL SLEEP
All my life I have lived other peoples' lies
All my life I have waited to die
Every day sice I was a kid I despised my every living breath
All I ever looked forward to was the time I could finally be laid to rest
I hated myself and this whole world round
I was born angry at being to this Earth bound
So now that I know that finally in my youth that maybe I might die
Why do I... feel sorrow... great... why do I cry?
Could it be that though this life has been full of great agony and pain
That I wanted to find that personal fulfillment,,, my personal value to gain?
And now I see that I cheated myself by running from my demons
Instead of fighting back consistently through my determined inner reason
I was handed down guilt to me, by society for my unqualified birth
I was a bastard child abandoned on this Earth
I accepted their pronouncements without question or thought
It never entered my mind to why I was called "the damned begot"
God blessed me with life, to learn of Him and grow
No one told me this, but finally this now I know
I was sold a package of lies that I readily accepted
Not thinking others to be wrong and that their lies should be rejected
My mother though she loved me, wanted me not
My father I never knew, mother said his name she forgot
I played in graveyards; I was told that this was my playground
They sent me there to play, so there I would be found
I layed in open graves and memorized grave head stones
There I found a sort of peace all by myself in the graves alone
I knod of liked the grave yard so full yet so empty
I didn't question the reasons, cause at least there no dirty old men touched me,
I played funeral when other kids played with each other and their toys
I hardly knew any normal things to play so mostly others I would avoid
But God how desperately I wanted friends
I did not know how to reach out to make them
Now I know my mama loved me... She really did
But that was over 30 years ago, she just did not know what to do with a bastard kid
I wish now that I could have done a better job of my to salvage from that garbage heap
I wish now that anothers judgement of me that to myself I did not keep
I should have ignored what others said about me
Being truer to myself... to have a better life to see
Instead I always viewed life as the ultimate curse
Well by now, if and when I do finally die, that'll be my best role rehearsed
My own value in myself I should have seen
I wonder if I could have done that... how different my life would have been
I don't blame anyone for my living hell
But before I die they will all here me my story to tell
If I was wronged by others or wronged them far and wide
I do forgive them all, but their and mine secrets, I will no longer hide
And now when finally the time comes when I will lay me down to that final sleep
I ask you, O' My Great Father God, in Heaven
Take me to you... my Soul to ever in Your loving arms to keep.